Monday, August 9, 2010

Manly things.

Top 5 things that make you manly.

1) Chewing Tobacco - Nothing says I don't give a fuck like chewing a big wad of dip. Having some black specks inbetween your teeth, brown saliva dripping off yer' chin and that squinty eye glare that just comes over you the second the sharp stabbing pain hits your lips just SCREAMS "I'm a man".

2) Drinking alcohol that tastes like shit - Drinking everclear and 151 is manly, watermelon vodka, while probably delish, is not. Malt liquor is pretty manly, if it's not that gay fruit shit. No sparks either.

3) Getting punched in the face(and not getting knocked out) - Getting punched in the face means it is probably a reaction to something you did that was so offensively manly someone had to hit you.

4) Racist jokes - Every real man hates SOMETHING.

5) Having a gut - Bears have guts and so do gorillas. 2 manliest beasts ever. Just don't have noodle arms and a big gut, it needs to be proportional.

And remember, men don't do things like wear cut offs, eat frozen yogurt and "go get coffee".

Sunday, August 8, 2010

blowing. shit. up.

At one point in everyone's life, they need to blow something up. And by "blow up" I mean fucking annihilate it. There IS a sort of perverse satisfaction in shooting high powered killing machines and knowing this metal extension of your cock will do more than stain your latest conquest's sheets, it will blow their fucking head off. I strongly suggest at sometime in your life, locate a fully automatic weapon, take a deep breath, exhale... and spray some hate. Not at a passerby of course, but I "hear" exploding propane tanks can be pretty satisfying. To balance out all this written testosterone, I am now going to read this People magazine next to me. I love seeing pictures of celebrities getting coffee. I'm talking to YOU Nicholas Cage.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Losing my online virginity.

I don't know why I did this. I have no actual delusions of the public actually reading anything I write here. I guess the bad idea was spawned after a morning of laying around collecting bed sores and reminiscing about how I got to where I am today. The people, intoxicants, experiences, places, food... the bad ideas and the truly unthinkable ones. So this is an ode, to the things I love, the things I don't and the stories behind them. Names will be changed, to protect the not-so innocent and while I have always had a lack of tact, I want to keep whatever friends I have. So... cheers, and if you are reading in horror when you realize the story about when someone I knew dug their own shit out of their pants and smeared it all over their own mailbox is about YOU, don't fret... it is between us and anonymity is a beautiful thing.

drink up.